Last night while I lay awake in bed I was scared to go to sleep. Scared in case something went wrong, scared in case I didn’t wake up again. Pending Doom! I’ve never been scared of dying but I do want to stick around long enough for my kids to grow up.
I can’t even explain why I was so scared. Maybe it was because Boo has a really bad dose of Chicken Pox. She’s really poorly, bless her, but I know she will recover and she’ll get lots of TLC while she’s ill. If she passes it to me I could get shingles. I have an auto-immune condition and I’d find it hard to fight. I’m not keeping away from my little girl while she’s poorly though.
Maybe it was because I found some blood spots while getting ready for bed. Those horrible red spots that don’t disappear when you press a glass to them, the ones you look out for with dread when your child is poorly with a temperature and bad headache. I’ve just received plasma from other people’s blood, one of the side affects can be blood poisoning, or Septicaemia. For people like me it’s a high death rate if I get it.
Maybe it was because I’m waiting for some genetic blood test for Star, to find out exactly what’s wrong with her. I read the letter that went with the testing and found out what they were looking for. I googled it and I didn’t like what I found. I’m now praying that it comes back negative but I have such a long wait.
Maybe it was because my husband is ill with flue like symptoms and a rash, does he have shingles?
Maybe it was because I made a mistake with my finances and I’ve found myself short of what I need until next payday in two weeks.
Maybe it was the worry I have about my older kids, although I can’t talk about them here to protect their privacy, but I still worry about them.
Maybe it was because I realised that my treatment that I’d go so excited about hasn’t worked.
I wanted it to work so bad. I wanted to be free from pain, I wanted to be able to walk again. My dreams are dashed. I was okay about it at first, I thought that maybe the second round would be better, but I was told that unless I had significant improvements then there would be no more.
When I got up this morning (I did manage to get some sleep in the end) I though I could face the world and get on with it. There were no more blood spots, Boo is still poorly but I’m looking after her, hubby is still poorly but his rash doesn’t look like chicken pox. I’m still a cripple and dealing with constant pain but what’s new! I’m still broke but just to add to that, Hubby has had his bank account hacked and he’s broke too.
Doom and Gloom!
Keep on Rolling, Keep on keeping on. It’s not the end of the World just yet. (We have to wait for Trump to press that red button yet!)
It's hardly a surprise you are struggling today. I hope you don't have any more signs of septicaemia, thst your daughter crosses over to easier recovery and that your husband's rash is stress. Money worries are the last thing you need and really shouldn't be something you habe to consider. This world is so broken.
I'll habe my fingers crossed thst today passes swiftly and tomorrow is a brighter day xx
thank you Jenny, I do have some nice things to look forward to which are keeping me going at the moment xx
Aww! Anne! What a lot to deal with!
I hope you all feel better soon….
Better days have to be on their way for you….
Sending love and hugs x
Thank you Kim x
I'm so sorry for all this. I understand these worries and problems keep you awake at night. I hope everything turns out for the better in the end. Having your dreams of improvement in your health crushed, must be really bad. I hope you get lots of support as you process this. #PostsFromTheHeart
so sorry it has been such a rough week for you all – especially sad to hear about the treatment so far not helping for you 🙁 sending much love xxx
I feel for you and hope that things turn around for you. #mmbc
Sending big hugs to you. I can't imagine dealing with what you're dealing with but I too have nights where every bad scenario runs through my mind all night like a freight train! I had both hips replaced 2 years ago, and every time I need dental treatment I have to go on hectic anti-biotics due to the high risk of infection. It's so scary when you focus on the bad that could happen. Hope your week has improved.
#postsfromtheheart
Hi Anne, life is throwing you a shi**y stick that's for sure! I am gutted for you that your treatment doesn't seem to b e working, that must be so hard to face, but maybe not as hard as the possibility that your child may have a nasty condition. I remember having to wait for results when our son had genetic testing and it's not easy trying to banish those negative thoughts and worries.
On the positive side at least your blood spots disappeared and your better half doesn't have shingles. Being skint isn't nice (we go there a lot during the winter when work is scarce), but hang in there for the next two weeks and things will be better!
Sending you major hugs and positive vibes!
Thank you for linking up with the #MMBC.
XX
I am so so sorry it didn't work. You have been so much in my mind. Sending lots of love and hopes for a less stressful time for you all soon. #PostsFromTheHeart