I woke up this morning in a bad mood.
Since I got sick, in the dreams that I remember I have always been walking. In my dreams I have not been sick, I’ve just been me. Last night I was not walking in my dreams. Last night gave me a dream in which I was disabled. It was like my subconscious has finally caught up with the reality that I am disabled and I’m not going to get better.
When I woke I was upset and angry, even my dreams were disrupted now as well as my real life.
Then I realised something.
Yesterday we had decided on a day out today. We had decided where to go, and I’d got everything ready for an earlyish start. Everything but my power chair. I had not charged it since our last outing for Star’s birthday last week and the battery was really low. We do keep it in the boot of the car for ease, but we know it has to be charged after every use, even if I only use it for a short while.
So, I guess that’s what my subconscious was trying to tell me, we were not going anywhere because we’d forgotten about my wheelchair.
I do have a manual wheelchair but to be honest I’m not that keen especially when the kids are with us. I like hubby to be able to look after them and me to look after myself. Also, because of my condition I do find being out in my wheelchair very uncomfortable and if I’m being pushed then my hubby feels guilty. At least if I’m in control then no-one needs to feel guilty about every bump.
We got the wheelchair in to charge but I didn’t want to use it until it was fully charged and by that time it was too late to go out…or was it.
We had resigned to stay in but it was such a lovely sunny day, yes, August Bank Holiday was hot and sunny, what a surprise! So we decided to go to the park.
We tumbled into the car with my manual wheelchair, at the park I could look after myself, and off we went. Arriving just five minutes later we parked up and got out. Then hubby realised he’d forgotten the footrests for my chair! He wanted to go back home but I said if we did we’d go back then it was to stay. (I told you I was in a bad mood!) Then I got my walking sticks and declared that today was a nice day for a walk.
I walked into the park and found a bench to sit on while the kids ran around. It was probably about 15 metres from the car which is a huge amount for me to walk outside but I was determined to do it. I rested for about twenty minutes then we went into the shop for ice-creams. That was another 5 metres I walked. We sat on a bench outside the shop to eat our ice creams and I decided that today was not turning out too bad after all. (Even though I’d forgotten my phone and couldn’t take any photos of the lovely flowers.) Then I walked all the way back to the car.
On the way home I made hubby stop at the garage so he could get me some cash from the cash point. There was a queue to get in the garage so I grabbed my sticks and got out and walked to the cash point myself. I even had a walk in the shop!
I don’t know whether it was the dream, or the shear frustration of being immobile and so dependant on my wheelchair, but I did a lot of walking today. In total, probably no more than the distance of three double decker buses with rests in between each one, but for me, a huge challenge that I took with pride.
I woke up in a bad mood today.
Tonight, I’m sitting here with my feet elevated, the pain feels like chilblains all along my legs and my ankles are swollen like balloons. I’m totally shattered and longing for my bed and I’m wondering if I’ll be able to walk in my dreams again.
Tomorrow we are going out for the day. I will be taking my power chair which is now fully charged.
I will wake up in a good mood.