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Raisie Bay

I’m no Superwoman

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Superwoman in Shenyang China, hanging from a building

Photo by Harry cao on Unsplash

It’s been three years and three months. I look back, no, I am forced to look back by bloody Facebook, on the things I said three years ago.

It’s okay, it’s not bad, I can do this, I’m not going to let this beat me.

I can’t do this anymore.

I’ve said that so many times. It’s bloody hard waking up in pain day, after day, after day. It’s even harder trying to fall asleep in pain, night, after night, after night.

The pain is constant, it never leaves, it’s part of me now, something I just have to deal with.

Does that make me special, am I superwoman because I can cope with pain every day and still make a joke, say something positive, or even smile?

Hilarious

I laugh sometimes, especially at the Impractical Jokers (Comedy Central.) Yes, Sal, Murray, Quin and Joe have me in stitches, even though it’s not the kind of humour I usually enjoy. Sometimes it’s nice to have a little stupidity in your life. I’m going to see them in October, Live! I’m so excited.

It’s also a depressing tale. My daughter bought the tickets while I was really ill a while ago. She came up to my room and told me. I spent the rest of the evening (night, day, I don’t know, I was ill,) worrying about it. She’d booked front row tickets for us, spent a fortune.

I can’t sit in the front row, I’m disabled. I have to sit in one of the special places for wheelchairs. My daughter was annoyed, she insisted that I’d be able to walk in and sit at the front. I walk around the house after all. Even if I could I wouldn’t be safe in an emergency, I would be breaking violations. I’m not allowed to sit there.

It was then I realised that no-one, not even my family members understand.

I can’t do this Anymore

I am in pain, constantly. Every step I take hurts so bad I’m longing to be done with taking steps. I get up to put my phone on charge on the other side of the living room. Yes, I can do it, but no-one understands the effort and pain.

I can help my husband cook a meal in the kitchen, I have a stool, I have counters to lean on. Taking something to the sink or getting something out of the fridge is a lot of effort. At the end of cooking I can’t wait to sit down. I don’t enjoy my meal because I’m hurting.

This happens in front of my family on a daily basis, but they still don’t understand how I feel, how much it hurts.

I can walk from the living room to the kitchen and visa versa. I don’t want to do it twice though. I get up to answer the door when someone knocks. I’m exhausted by the time I get there, from the pain and the effort. I still do these things because if I don’t I’m giving up.

I could give up, boy, I so want to sometimes. I just don’t want to do this thing anymore, this life, this existence, any of it.

I want My Life Back

I want the old me back, I want to be able to run around after my kids, pop to the shops when I feel like it, walk up the garden, or around the park, drive a car, visit people who have doorsteps.

I want to go to the dentist and the GP on my own. I don’t want to go to the hospital any more.

I want to be able to visit my Mother’s grave, tend to it, clean away the dead flowers and polish up the headstone.

I want to be a Mother again, take my kids to school, go to parents evening, take them out, play with them.

I’m no Superwoman

I hate this, I hate the me I am. I’m no superwoman just because I post something positive on Facebook, or here on my blog.

I have always been a positive person and that’s not going to change. Because despite everything, if I don’t stay positive then what is there?

When I say I don’t want to do this anymore, it makes people angry. I have no right to give up, I have family, I have a home, I have a lot more than a lot of people. Hey, I might even have a future if I’m lucky.

And Cats, Cats are nice

So, I swallow up the bile, live with the pain, and just do it. I get up out of bed (sometimes I really don’t want to, the pain is so bad, but even though I’ve begged for help it’s not happened, so I just get on with it.)

And that’s it, that’s my life.

I’m no Superwoman, I’ve got no choice.

I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want to know how amazing I am, I don’t want people to know what I’m really thinking.

I didn’t chose this to happen, I’ve done everything I can to heal myself but nothing has worked.

And I don’t know if I can do it.

Oh no I’ve said too much,

I haven’t said enough

R.E.M Losing My Religion

I won’t give up, I can’t give up. I know what it’s like to lose a parent, it’s hard at any age and my youngest is only eight (the age I was when my Dad died.) I have to keep fighting. I have no choice. But wouldn’t it be so nice to be allowed to sleep ……

And Dream of Sleep

Little light shining
Little light will guide them to me 
My face is all lit up
My face is all lit up
If they find me racing white horses 
They’ll not take me for a buoy

Let me be weak, let me sleep and dream of sheep


Oh I’ll wake up to any sound of engines
Every gull a seeking craft
I can’t keep my eyes open 
Wish I had my radio 
I’d tune into some friendly voices Talking ’bout stupid things
I can’t be left to my imagination


Let me be weak, let me sleep and dream of sheep 
Ooh, their breath is warm
And they smell like sleep
And they say they take me home 
Like poppies, heavy with seed 
They take me deeper and deeper

Songwriter: Kate Bush

“Reflections

My Sunday Photo 24th March

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Daffodils

a bunch of daffodils in a vase

I’ve been seeing photos that people have posted across social media of all the signs of Spring. I don’t get out much and I’ve not seen anything I’ve been able to photograph yet…although I did see a gorgeous purple bush while driving past someone’s garden the other day. It would have been weird to stop the car so I could get a photo though.

I decided to buy myself a bunch of daffodils in the shopping from Sainsburys. They offered me a £1 refund if I bought a bunch of daffodils. They were £1, so basically I got them free.

Last year I bought some daffodils in the shopping and when they arrived they must have looked like Spring onions because Graham put them in the fridge!

These ones started flowering within minutes of being put in water. And I think they add a touch of Spring to my living room.

Marie Curie

Marie Curie logo

Did you know that the daffodil was the logo for Marie Curie terminal illness care.

This week I have had news that my Sister-in-Law is dying of cancer. My dear friend is also on her last attempt of treatment. How do you deal with that?

It’s good to know that there is an organisation that supports people and their families on this journey.

If you wish to know more about Marie Curie or would like to make a donation here is a link to the website.

Word of the Week #12 2019

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Hello and welcome to the home of Word of the Week, a nice and simple weekly linky, with everyone welcome to pop by and share. You reflect back on the past week and sum it up in one word. Then share your word with us in a blog post, with as little or as much explanation as you like.

There are not too many rules with this linky, just remember to read at least another couple of posts in the link up after adding your link. Do try to stick to the theme of summing your week up. I will read and comment on all posts and tweet them out for you. I also have a Pinterest board devoted to Word of the Week and I will add posts to Mix (formerly Stumble.) Please add the badge below to your post so that others may find us and join in. If you comment or tweet then please use the hashtag #WotW

If you are unfamiliar with the Word of the Week linky then please feel free to ask any questions. New linkers are always welcome, we love to hear what you have been up to in the past week.

My Word of the Week

a paint roller on a plain white background

This week I decided to visit Homebase to see if I could get some inspiration. I need to redecorate my living room, and to decorate my stairs. The living room is looking a bit tired and we need new carpets and curtains as well as paint and wallpaper. I thought it would be a chance to change the colour scheme which is currently tones of brown and red. We will still be keeping our brown settees but I’m sure most colours go with brown. I didn’t have much success though. Our local homebase seems to have very little choice in wallpaper, but I did come home with lots of paint swatches. We are thinking of a duck egg paint for the stairs and landing. I’ve still not decided on a colour for the living room though.

We also need to redecorate the downstairs bathroom, but we already have the paint for that. I just need a new blind. My dream is to have it turned into a wet room, but I guess that will have to wait for now.

I’ve not done much else this week apart from crochet and write which has kept me busy enough. It’s good to take it easy sometimes, I’ve a busy week next week. I have made the decision that I need to leave the house at least once a week though. When I went out on Tuesday it was the first time in eleven days. It’s no wonder I want to redecorate when all I see are these four walls!

So, now it’s over to you. What word or phrase sums up your week?

Raisie Bay



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Sail Away From the Safe Harbour

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A photograph of a globe atlas of the world.

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did.

attributed to Mark Twain

As life passes by you start to wonder about what you’ve achieved and what you regret. Looking at the quote above I wonder if I have twenty years left to do more.

So, am I more disappointed by the things I didn’t do than the things that I did?

There are lots of things that could have worked out differently but I don’t see them as disappointments. A lot of stuff that has happened was not my fault, so they are not my things to hold. You can’t control other peoples actions but you can control your reactions to them.

If there is one disappointment it could possibly be down to travel. I’m not well travelled, the furthest I’ve been is Dublin, I guess that is abroad? I’ve never been in an aeroplane, though, but I don’t really want to either. It’s partly an irrational fear, partly a complete indifference to wanting to experience it. I have no desire to be in a metal box high up in the sky. I’d rather grow my own wings and float on the air.

If there was a way to see the world for me, then it would be on a cruise ship. Strange, I don’t want to be in a metal box in the sky but I’d be happy to be in one on the ocean. I guess the difference is the size and freedom of movement you would have on a ship. I do have claustrophobic tendencies.

Leaving it so late to travel has brought along extra difficulties. It would have been easier to do when I was not sick or disabled. Travelling to town in my wheelchair fills me with trepidation, how would I cope in another country? Would I even get travel insurance now?

I guess the answer is yes, I do feel disappointed that I didn’t travel more when I could. But it’s never too late is it? One of my aunties took her first holiday abroad when she was in her 60s, she went again every year afterwards.

So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

a very large cruise ship on the blue ocean with grassy hills in the background

Photo by Fernando Jorge on Unsplash

Dreaming of More

So in the time I have left my wish is to remedy this disappointment in my life and travel more. I want to sail away, I don’t really care where. I would really like to go North rather than South though, I’d love to see the Northern Lights, and visit countries like Norway and Demark, and maybe even down to the Netherlands.

We had been thinking about making our first family trip abroad by going to Disneyland Paris with the kids, but if I’m honest, we are lacking interest. We are not huge Disney fans and the kids are not that keen on Theme Parks. Plus, I doubt I’d get to see much from my wheelchair. We’d have to go by train or coach and I think the journey would break us, none of us are good travellers. I think that’s why a cruise appeals to me, you are travelling while you holiday on the ship.

If I can fit in a cruise then I can be satisfied that I’ve not been disappointed with anything in my life.

In the Family

My Dad travelled because he was in the army during the Second World War. (Yes, my Dad, not great grandad! But he was a lot older than my Mum, and they had me later in life too.) My Mum never went anywhere, I think her record was the Isle of Wight and she hated the ferry journey. She never regretted it, she had no desire at all to travel.

Both my older brothers have done plenty of travelling, my eldest brother even worked in croatia for a while. My younger brother managed to travel abroad too, before he died.

My Older children have been abroad many times. Their Dad lives in the South of France and they have been to visit him and he’s taken them to other countries too. My eldest daughter has been to America and wants to go again this year. She’s has also visited other European Countries like Germany. I think her dream trip would be to Japan.

Star went on a school trip to France last year. They went by ferry and coach and she coped really well, but they didn’t travel far from the coast line and stayed in Boulogne. I’m sure Boo will be looking forward to her chance to go next year.

So, despite my not taking them, my children are getting the chance to travel and see other countries. I believe that I never travelled because my Mum didn’t, she never took me away as a child, and I never had the opportunity with my school. I’m happy that my children are not being held back because of me.

Is there anything in your life that you feel disappointed about not doing? Are you well travelled?

My Sunday Photo 17th March 2019

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Crochet Projects

a crochet egg cosy dragon in two shades of blue
Dragon Egg cosy

I created this little critter over the past couple of days, he’s an egg cosy so his belly is hollow and you can pop him over your egg. We don’t use egg cosies in this house, it’s only me and eldest that eat eggs anyway. I thought it would be nice to crochet a few of these and fit a small chocolate egg inside to give as Easter gifts. There are six different ones to make, dragon, unicorn, frog, rabbit, bear and chic. They’ll keep me busy for a while.

Other Crochet Projects.

My works in progress currently include a jumper for myself (it’ll be the first piece of clothing I’ve made,) a baby blanket, and a seal amigurumi as well as the egg cosies.

I may have a lot on the go but I do have finished projects too. This week I sent my colourful baby blanket to my great niece as she is having her second baby in a couple of weeks. (It makes me laugh that my nephew is on to having grand children before me!)

baby blanket crocheted in stripes of colourful wool.
Spring Baby Blanket

I was really pleased with how it turned out, I’ve never crocheted motifs before. However, I did use two methods as the blanket has a row of flowers on each end. The end in the photo was the intarsia method which left me with tons of weaving in to do. The other end was done in the tapestry method with I think looks better, but you can see some of the other colours in the blue a little.

Rabbit

I packaged up the blanket to send to my great neice but I thought it wasn’t so nice to send a gift to the new baby and not include something for her toddler. I guess I could have added a packet of sweets or something but I thought it would be nice to make her something too. So I found this little bunny pattern. I wanted to do it in cream, but I decided on this light grey colour instead.

a light grey bunny lying on a pink background.
grey bunny

My niece’s little girl called him Hop.

Simply Crochet Magazine

You may remember a photo of my amigurumi axolotyl a few weeks ago and I mentioned that I’d been shortlisted to appear in Simply Crochet. Well it appeared this week on their ‘show us yours’ page. I love what they wrote.

Whole Lotle Love

Anne of @raisiebay has been doing a lot of axolotyl amigurumi (try saying that ten times fast.) This little critter only featured in issue 80! We salute your swift hookwork.

I guess it’s just proof that I have too much time on my hands….or too much wool!

The Best Crochet Projects can be found in Simply Crochet Magazine.