After a busy week last week I was kind of hoping this week to be less so. It hasn’t really turned out that way. I’d have loved to have had a week full of pyjama days, but that was not to be. It would have been nice to have had a week of fun days, but we haven’t even managed that. Apart from the usual shopping, it’s been appointments taking up our time.

G.P. appointments, clinic appointments and an appointment at the hospital for Star.

The good news is that we are getting lots of help for both The Little Man and Star from the Clinic (although for Star it means our least favourite treatment, but we’ve done it before so we’ll do it again.) The Little Man is being referred elsewhere which means he will be assessed for Autism or just to see what’s bothering him.

Then at the hospital we saw the maxillo-facial doctor who assured us that her jaw would get better in time and that the problems she had were quite common. I know, I already have a daughter who has had it for 18 years! The difference with Star is that she has Elhers Danlos Syndrome which means she has lax ligaments. If her jaw doesn’t improve quite quickly then it could cause permanent damage. Because of this the Doctor is going to see her again. Fingers crossed that it just improves with the exercises she’s been given. I hate to see my little girl (okay, not so little anymore) in pain.

What have you been up to this week?

The Reading Residence

 

 

I’m a laid back kind of person. I don’t let things play on my mind or get me down. Something bad happens, I deal with it then I get over it. I don’t keep going back to it, raking it up, as they say.

I let it go.

I try not to let people make me angry, I bite my tongue a lot. I let a lot of things wash over me without soaking them up.

I let it go.

I don’t let bad things that happened in the past haunt me. I don’t bare grudges, I forgive and forget. If I do something to upset someone else I will apologise, no excuses unless there is a completely genuine one, just a sincere apology and I hope in my heart they can forgive me.

Then I let it go.

So why do I let go of the hurt?

Holding on to the past and the things that hurt serves us no purpose. Going over and over it in my mind only hurts me more. Blaming others doesn’t help, especially if they do not accept they are to blame. If I hold on to all the hurt and pain then it will consume me and I will not be able to fill my life and my heart with happiness and carry on living.

Letting go is a choice I have made myself and committed to it. When those thoughts of hurt and pain start to appear I banish them quickly. I realise that forgetting is the hardest part, it so difficult to forget, and honestly, who wants to forget anyway? But when I start to remember I can put those memories back where they belong, in the past. It happened, I got over it, I let it go.

I watched my own Mother become consumed by the past, as she approached the end of her life she became bitter and sad and trusted no-one. I hated that she became that way and resolved never to be the same. Yes, my Mother had a hard life and had suffered so much, then her later years she was so ill but determined to carry on. There was some strength in the way she fought to live and fought for what she truly believed in. But not enough for her to leave the past where it belonged. She left me a letter to read for after she had passed away and it was the saddest thing I ever read. So I vowed I would never become my Mother. The past wasn’t going to catch me up.

How do I let it go?

I accept responsibility for the things that have happened to me. No matter how much I feel that someone else was to blame I know that I am in control of my life so I had some part to play. Something happened, I got hurt, the blame game doesn’t really matter, because if it did then I’d be holding on to the pain and hurt for much longer than necessary. Blaming someone else means holding them responsible for your life and letting them take over, they don’t have that power if I won’t let them.

I understand that my feeling matter so I express my hurt in a way that I find comfortable. If another person has made me unhappy then I will tell them. If I can’t then I’ll write it down or tell someone else. I have to express my emotions in any way that I can, but I don’t let them take over forever. I get it out of my system in a way that helps me understand why I feel the way I do.

Focusing on the here and now is vital. I have to live in the present and not let the past fill my mind and soul. I started to realise this when I got sick. At first I wanted to live in the future because I believed that I would get well again. But since realising that is not the case then the future doesn’t look so good now. So, no point in waiting for things to get better and no hope of ever making the past different. The only other option is to live for today.

It’s Not Easy

It really isn’t easy letting things go. Not just the hurt that people have caused you but the things that have gone wrong. The people who have left life way too soon, the illnesses, the disabilities, the way life has treated you. Sometimes I look back and think why have all these bad things happened to me, what did I do to deserve it all? But, that sort of thinking gets me nowhere and just makes me feel unhappy.

Sometimes it’s okay to feel bad. I’ve just had a real bad weekend when I let my feelings consume me. I was hurting and I lashed out. I even did the unthinkable and posted a sweary vague post on Facebook which earned me loads of sympathy from friends who had no idea what I was going through. I was embarrassed but I didn’t delete it because people cared, they took the time to post a little something in the hope they could make me feel better. This is not something I am used to and I felt uncomfortable, but sometimes it’s good to rant and let it out.

Then I let it go.

Grief is the Hardest Pain.

When my Mother passed away I felt so much pain. People gave their sympathy and told me that time would heal my pain. I was outraged, the pain was all I had left, I had to hold on to the pain, it would have felt almost sacrilegious to let that pain go. The pain of grief is a difficult one, you need to express it, you need to hold on to it, you need to feel it, let it consume you. But then it will fade into a memory of pain, then a memory of the person you lost and eventually, instead of welling up when you think of them you will smile instead. There is nothing wrong with this. You haven’t let your pain go this time you’ve just allowed it to grow into something else.

Grief stays with you a long time, and even when you have passed the stage of thinking of them all the time, there will still be times when grief consumes you again and takes over your emotions.

I always embrace grief, I think of my loss, and I let it fill me with sadness. I feel it, I accept it, I understand it’s how I need to be. It doesn’t last long but it’s always there.

Let It Go!

Pain is not justified, no matter how much we feel it is. The hurt can go away if you let it. I made the decision that I wouldn’t let pain and hurt take over my life. It wasn’t easy, it will never be easy, but it’s the best choice I ever made. I’m not going to die bitter and sad because the past is the past and today is today, and this could turn out to be the best day of my life. Even if it doesn’t, it’s still another day I’ve lived and for that I am thankful.

Admit it! You were singing this 🙂

Lucy At Home

Easter School

We have another week of the holiday left here. In fact we have a whole week and two days because the kids don’t go back until next Wednesday. That is apart from Boo who is doing Easter School in the mornings this week. She needs to get the extra practice in for her SATS in May. I could get on my soap box about the SATS but I feel I’ve done that enough already; and it’s totally up to Boo whether she wants to go to school this week or not. She can’t go every day because we have a few appointments that clash.

Stickers

Last week turned out to be pretty busy, I actually went out four days in a row! Of course, I had to go to hospital for two of those days. Then we did some food shopping and then some more fun shopping. The kids ended up with lots of new goodies last week, but mostly books, pens and decorations to use on their Littlest Pet Shop toys. It’s amazing how thrilled the girls are to be in possession of a new packet of shiny stickers. I also bought them some clay to do some customisation’s. The Little Man wanted a Minecraft Sticker book which was a good buy as he has spent ages sticking in it. He also enjoyed sticking his football player stickers into his Panini World Cup album.

We decided to stay in all weekend, but the Little Man still popped out with his Dad to run some errands. It really has been a life saver having Graham driving. He’s only had his licence for just over a year but he does most the driving now. I’m still waiting to see if the DVLA will let me have my licence back after medical checks. I haven’t been behind the wheel in a long time. Fingers crossed that I won’t lose my licence, I’ll be devastated at the thought of never driving again.

Plans

 

This week will be busy later on with hospital and clinic appointments for Star and the Little Man. We are also hoping to fit in something fun but I have to be careful now as we overspent last week.

Next Monday we are going out for a meal on my niece’s birthday which should be a nice family get together. I’m thinking of going without my wheelchair, if Graham can drop me right outside the door I know I can navigate inside the pub on my crutches.

I have felt some benefit from my treatment last week, although there was a wobble this weekend when I ran out of medication. Graham went to pick it up from the chemist that had my prescription on Saturday morning, but it was closed. I survived on a lower dose, but I really noticed the difference.

While I was in hospital last week the nurse asked me if I’d considered having the treatment at home. I was a bit flabbergasted and told her I knew nothing about it.

It then got me thinking so I asked about it on my help group. A few overseas patients take the immunoglobulins with a subcutaneous injection so I looked up the system that they used. It is available here but it depends on whether your consultant can get it approved and you have to be trained how to use it. The more I think about it the more it appeals to me. I will think about asking my consultant next time I see him. But I’ll also ask that nurse for more information too.

 

Debs Random Writings

 

a bear made of crochet in brown wool with a white dress, green cardigan and red boots, sitting on the sofa

Say hello to Nancy Bear. She’s my prototype and I made an unbelievable amount of mistakes making her. But she’s been well loved by Boo who has asked me for more.

So now I’m just finishing of Lucy Mouse, who has turned out a little better. I am learning. I can’t show you photo of her because I’ve not made her any clothes yet, I will preserve her modesty.

Next up, Star wants me to make a fox and a cat. I think I’m going to be very busy for the next few months. I didn’t think the Little Man would be interested but he’s also asked me to make him a cat.

I love to crochet, it helps to relax me and I love creating things. Do you have any hobbies?
 

Photalife

 

Sunday Snap

 

Tuesday and Wednesday I was in hospital having my IVIG treatment. It should have been five days but it’s been reduced to two as I’ll be having treatment again in four weeks instead of twelve. I was happy because the kids are off school this week and I didn’t want to be spending most of my time away from them.

So, Dad took them out for lunch on Tuesday and on Wednesday he took them to see their Nan. I think they had a good time without me, although they did manage to spend a fair bit of money. Not only on the food but on Wednesday they went to a shop near Nanny’s house and bought a load of new books and pens.

On Wednesday I’d still not managed to sort out the shopping so we ended up having take out for dinner, the kids had pizza and grown ups a Chinese meal. No complaints except from my bank account.

Then on Thursday we got to the supermarket, but had decided to go somewhere different where we couldn’t find half the stuff we usually buy and ended up buying a lot of stuff we wouldn’t normally buy. We went to another supermarket nearby but still couldn’t complete our shopping so we’ll have to shop again tomorrow…sigh, at least it will be only for the weekend.

I’ve also bought some new blinds for the kitchen. I’ve been meaning to do so for a while but decided to do it this week, then the following day the blind in the bathroom broke so I had to buy another one! If the bathroom blind had broken first I may have left the kitchen one for another time.

Last week I managed to crochet a teddy bear which was claimed by Boo who loved it. Then she asked me to make her another toy, a mouse this time so I bought the wool for that. Then Star said she’d like a fox so I ordered some more wool. Then today the Little Man asked me if I’d make him a cat! How can I say no? At least they are made with baby wool which is easy to get fairly cheap. I can make them lots of interchangeable clothing from my leftover bits of wool. I’m going to have to buy a new cupboard to store my wool stash in at this rate!

Next week is not going to be any cheaper for me either. We have to go into town for a hospital visit for Star and have decided to have lunch and do some shopping while we are there. We’ve not been into town for a long time. Also, we didn’t manage to have our day out Easter Egg hunting, so a fun day out is on the cards. Only we can’t decide where to go just yet. Graham wanted to go to the zoo, while I thought the Science Museum would be better. He said the zoo would be cheaper but when I looked up the prices it was nearly £10 cheaper to visit the Science Museum. When did the zoo get to be so expensive? Graham would argue that you shouldn’t need to pay to go into a museum!

 

The Reading Residence