Justifying, Starting, Analysing, Concluding, Planning
Each month I join in with a
Trigger Warning: This post mentions suicidal thoughts
As most people with a chronic illness will understand, Justifying ourselves is something we are most familiar with. My family are always telling me I
I am ill all the time, every day I feel like crap. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I cannot go on like this. Resting maybe helps me from total
My family do not expect me to apologise for sleeping and not being able to move for hours on end. There is no need to be justifying myself.
But how can I make myself see that? I
I know it’s been over three years, but recently I’ve been
I turned her down.
It was at that point that I realised I’d not accepted just how ill I am and that it
So, now it’s starting to sink in. I tried calling her back to change my mind but reached her answer phone and she never replied. Now, it’s too late and if I want the wet room and lift, I will have to start the process again. I don’t know if I was lucky, but it went through
I sometimes wonder if my diagnosis is correct. But it’s hard comparing yourself to other sufferers when you suffer from something so rare. So I’ve been analysing my condition more closely, finding out what makes me worse and what makes me better. I’ve also been
While I was at a real low point recently I asked Google about how many of my
I get these low points sometimes, but I don’t want to hurt my family, so I know I wouldn’t go through with it.
Then I was researching care homes. That way, I could just get away from it all, take away all the pressure off me to ‘perform’ a normal life, and all the pressure off my family for dealing with me. But, I would miss my family too much.
Analysing my feelings I realised that
My conclusion is that I need help. My GP would probably just offer me more pills to my huge collection. I already take anti-depressants, so what’s the point.
I need to help myself and that’s my next plan!
So, we come on to planning. Keeping busy with things helps a lot. I love my crochet and listening to my audio books. I also love planning, so much to plan for and that’s what keeps me going.
We’ve just celebrated the first birthday of four in the next six weeks. So, it’s Boo’s birthday next so I need to plan some treats for her. Then
So much to look forward to, so much planning to do. There is no time at all to think about how crap and useless I feel. Even if the best I can do is
Thinking about her made me realise that I was being selfish. My family need me too, and although I may have to leave them at some point, I
I’m in it for the long run, if I become even more useless I’ll still be here to watch my children grow and live their lives. I’m not going anywhere without a fight.
June’s writing prompts can be found here