planning

Writing Prompts for July – Justifying a Chronic Illness

July 3, 2019 by Anne Sweet 7 Comments

Justifying, Starting, Analysing, Concluding, Planning

Each month I join in with a linky for those suffering with chronic illnesses. The lovely Sheryl from A Chronic Voice gives us some prompts to start talking about how we are feeling. It gives us a chance to write about things we normally wouldn’t talk about and by linking up we have become a community of people who understand. But, by writing these posts we also have the opportunity to explain to others just what it is like living with a chronic illness. This months prompts are justifying, starting, analysing, concludcing and planning.

Trigger Warning: This post mentions suicidal thoughts

Justifying

As most people with a chronic illness will understand, Justifying ourselves is something we are most familiar with. My family are always telling me I don’t need to justify myself for needing extra time to relax and recover when I’m not at my best. The problem is, I don’t actually have a best.

I am ill all the time, every day I feel like crap. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I cannot go on like this. Resting maybe helps me from total burn out, but it doesn’t really matter, when my body goes into spasm it doesn’t care about what needs to be done.

My family do not expect me to apologise for sleeping and not being able to move for hours on end. There is no need to be justifying myself.

But how can I make myself see that? I don’t need to justify myself, but I still feel guilty, because this is not me. I am used to doing everything, being in charge, taking control, being the rock of the family. But in the last three years I feel like I’m the rock that’s making us all sink to the bottom of the lake.

Starting

I know it’s been over three years, but recently I’ve been starting to accept that I have to make plans. Recently I was offered help from a health visitor. She arranged for a few extra bars to be put in place so I have more places to grab when I need to stand. Then she offered to turn my bathroom into a wet room and put a lift in my house. She believes I wouldn’t be safe on a stair lift so that was not an option.

I turned her down.

It was at that point that I realised I’d not accepted just how ill I am and that it‘s not going to get better. For three and a half years I have been searching for a cure to make me better, when in reality there isn’t one.

So, now it’s starting to sink in. I tried calling her back to change my mind but reached her answer phone and she never replied. Now, it’s too late and if I want the wet room and lift, I will have to start the process again. I don’t know if I was lucky, but it went through pretty quick last time I made my enquiries, so maybe I wouldn’t have to wait too long. But, I’m only starting to accept that they are what I need, so I’m holding off a little longer.

Analysing

I sometimes wonder if my diagnosis is correct. But it’s hard comparing yourself to other sufferers when you suffer from something so rare. So I’ve been analysing my condition more closely, finding out what makes me worse and what makes me better. I’ve also been taking a closer look at my medication and analysing what they are doing for me.

While I was at a real low point recently I asked Google about how many of my pills I’d need to take to end it all. Not just the pain. All of it, all of me. Selfish I know and I couldn’t do that to my children and my husband and family. So, I thought what would happen if I just stopped taking my medication suddenly. Then it wouldn’t look like suicide would it?

I get these low points sometimes, but I don’t want to hurt my family, so I know I wouldn’t go through with it.

Then I was researching care homes. That way, I could just get away from it all, take away all the pressure off me to ‘perform’ a normal life, and all the pressure off my family for dealing with me. But, I would miss my family too much.

Analysing my feelings I realised that I was depressed. I am depressed. I always have that black dog biting at my heels. But I keep him on his leash. Too much life in me just yet.

Concluding

My conclusion is that I need help. My GP would probably just offer me more pills to my huge collection. I already take anti-depressants, so what’s the point.

I need to help myself and that’s my next plan!

Planning

So, we come on to planning. Keeping busy with things helps a lot. I love my crochet and listening to my audio books. I also love planning, so much to plan for and that’s what keeps me going.

We’ve just celebrated the first birthday of four in the next six weeks. So, it’s Boo’s birthday next so I need to plan some treats for her. Then a couple of weeks later it’s the Little Man’s birthday. Just two days after the Little Man’s birthday we go away to Cornwall. I haven’t been to Cornwall for many years so that’s something to really look forward to. Then a few days after we get home it will be Star’s birthday.

So much to look forward to, so much planning to do. There is no time at all to think about how crap and useless I feel. Even if the best I can do is plan from my laptop, or my book of lists, then that’s what I will do.

Selfish

Not one of the prompts but something I wanted to add. One of the things that made me realise that I couldn’t go ahead with ending things is that one of my longtime online friends is currently in a hospice after a long battle with cancer. She fought long and hard and tried everything to stay alive. She was doing it because of her family. My heart goes out to them.

Thinking about her made me realise that I was being selfish. My family need me too, and although I may have to leave them at some point, I‘m going to fight this stupid condition to ensure it won’t take me anytime soon. There is nothing more enlightening that realising that someone else is losing their fight when you are thinking of ending yours.

I’m in it for the long run, if I become even more useless I’ll still be here to watch my children grow and live their lives. I’m not going anywhere without a fight.

June’s writing prompts can be found here

Timetable – Word of the Week

December 16, 2016 by Anne Sweet 6 Comments

Phew, what a week and it’s not over yet. My calendar has been scribbled on, covering every little space, and I’ve had to keep a time table just to keep track of everything. Why has it been so busy? Well, it’s the first time I’ve had three kids in two different schools at Christmas time.

Star has had two concerts and a school trip as well as Christmas dinner and Christmas jumper day. Boo and the Little Man have had assemblies, Christmas jumper days, school trips, cinema day and they still have workshops with the parents for making decorations and Christmas parties to go. Star finishes school tomorrow at twelve and the other two finish at two, but still have to go in all day next Monday and half day on Tuesday.

At home I’ve been drowning in wrapping paper as I wrap up my Christmas gifts. I’ve braved the stores to finish off my Christmas Shopping, had a very nice breakfast in a trendy cafe, had a brief visit with my niece on her nineteenth birthday, had a visit to the G.P. Surgery and written a six page report for my eldest son. Oh, and I’ve written and posted most of my Christmas cards as well as my Thank You cards for my wedding gifts.

And tomorrow we have a trip to Cadbury World to look forward too!

My head has literally been spinning with it all and I can’t wait for school to finish now and the chance to sit back and relax. Trust me, the latter half of next week will be spent on the sofa with hot chocolate watching Christmas movies all day…with probably a bit of Christmas baking going on when I feel like it.

I do feel a sense of achievement though. I’m still waiting on a couple of parcels but apart from the food my Christmas shopping is done and dusted. I’ve got my turkey hamper ordered for delivery on Christmas Eve and the rest of the food shopping is booked for delivery. I’m hoping to get out one day next week to get some special food and drink treats for us all.

I’m struggling to find it just yet but I think I will be in full Christmas spirit very soon. Then it will be onwards and upwards to 2017, which will hopefully be a better year.

Are you excited for Christmas yet?

Word of the Week – Planning

August 19, 2016 by Anne Sweet 8 Comments

Last week we got the date for our wedding, which is only just over three months away!

So this week we have started planning, there is so much to do.

So much I didn’t really think about before!

We went shopping to get some inspiration as we’ve not picked a theme yet. We came back with a cake topper and cake separaters. I’m not making my own cake, I’ve made a wedding cake before, but it’s far too much work for me now that my health is not good. So I’m buying three plain white cakes and decorating them myself.

I also ordered a few dresses online to try on at home. I couldn’t manage trying them on in a shop, I get exhausted getting dressed. One didn’t fit at all (even though they were all the same size,) one I loved and fitted lovely, but the last one I tried on I loved even more! So I’ve found my dress.

I decided to do the same for the girl’s dresses, it’s less stressful trying on at home. Boo has her dress but we will have to try again with Star, she’s not yet 11 years old but even the 13 yr dresses I sent for didn’t fit her. It’s a good job all these things can be returned.

We wrote down our list of people we wanted to invite individually and then compared. Then we started all over again whittling the list down. We have already decided it will not be a huge gathering but it’s so hard to choose who to include and who not too. We decided that it would have to be close family and friends that we are still in touch with regularly. So that’s those we see frequently or speak to frequently on the phone or internet. There are so many friends and relatives we don’t see a lot of. Most of my family I only see at funerals.

Then when we had a rough idea of how many people were coming we started looking for venues to accommodate them. The plan is late wedding at registry office with just a few close family members, then a reception party on the evening. There will be no wedding breakfast, we don’t have the time or money for that. The wedding is late November and nearly all the venues we tried are already booked up with Christmas parties. You have to get in early to book for Christmas, probably January is a good idea.

Finally we were down to three venues, one is close but only holds 70 people, we said small, but maybe a few more than that. The next venue is upstairs in a gorgeous listed building pub. This venue holds 120 people but you have to have their pub food for the buffet and it’s pretty expensive. We have a preliminary booking there just in case. The third venue is the one we are going to view first, it’s all ground level (a big bonus when you are a wheelchair user,) holds 100 people, and offers a reasonably priced buffet.

I think I’ve become very excited about it all now. I did want to get married but I thought I wanted a quick run to the registry office, sign the papers, deed done sort of wedding. I’m glad I’ve changed my mind, even if I come to regret it later with the stress. The Other Half has become very useful at helping with the planning although he tends to get a bit carried away, I believe we might end up with three DJs and three photographers if I don’t keep him in check, haha.

Thanks for reading my ramblings, getting to the point, my word this week has to be planning…wedding planning!

It’s Party Time!

December 3, 2013 by Anne Sweet Leave a Comment

I love kids parties, I’ve been doing them for years (I’ve two grown-up children as well as the littlies)
I’ve always started well in advance, picking out the theme first, then planning the food, the decorations, the games, every little detail. Here is a My Little Pony Party I had for my daughter’s seventh birthday.
I’m just the same with grown-up parties, everything has to be planned to the finest detail.

Christmas parties are my favourite, we have one every year. It’s great getting friends and family around for some seasonal party fun.

Here are some of my time saving party planning tips:

Pick a theme, it doesn’t have to be too specific but it makes it easier to plan your food and decorations around a theme.

Find Shortcuts, homemade delicacies are lovely, but why put so much strain on yourself. Don’t try to make everything your self.

Find help and delegate, it’s not fair for just one person to be responsible for everything, pass the jobs around, ask family or friends to take on the roll of table laying, or putting up decorations etc.

Start gathering items you need well in advance, party plates, table clothes, decorations, spread the cost and shopping stress.

If you are having a fancy dress party then try out the Party Planner App from Fancy Dress Ball. It’s an easy to use Facebook app. where you can plan your party, choose your theme and invite your quests. It’s quick and easy and will also help your guests to choose their party outfits.

I’m loving the fancy dress costumes for Christmas at Fancy Dress Ball, from Elf onsies to Santa outfits, reindeers to snowmen, they have a huge choice, better than I’ve seen anywhere else and all in one place. . Definitely a time saver.

Images source Fancy Dress Ball

Collaborative post with Fancy Dress Ball, all thoughts and opinions are my own.

The Big Plan for Christmas

November 13, 2013 by Anne Sweet 8 Comments

I used to plan Christmas down to the very last detail, I’d have a timetable for the actual day for the cooking so I knew exactly when to prepare food or put it in the oven or on the hob. Trips out and activities over the holiday season where planned well in advance. I’d sort out the clothes that we would be wearing in advance and even plan the weeks tv viewing so as not to miss anything good. (I’m going back to the days before On Demand or Catch Up television)

You see, as a child our Christmas’ were always pure magic. My mum was a planner as well, little notes around the house everywhere. Food bought weeks in advance and stacked at the back of a kitchen cupboard. Nan would come to stay on Christmas eve and help with all the cooking. Then on boxing day our house would be filled all day with aunts and uncles and cousins.
But, I was a child, Christmas is always magic when you are a child, you blank out any arguments that may occur, or relatives that may have had a little too much to drink. You don’t see the stress behind the scenes, the panic when the gravy goes wrong or the turkey isn’t cooked on time. You forget about the arguments over who wants to watch what on TV.

I learned long ago that Christmas never goes to plan. I could tell you some stories of woe, of how things went terribly wrong. I’ve had a few Christmas’ go that way. It doesn’t matter how many lists you make, or how many plans you have you have to be prepared for mishaps along the way. Christmas is a stressful time for some, particularly parents. We say Christmas is for the kids and do our best to make it special for them, while at the same time running ourselves into the ground. Then after the Big Day, we feel deflated, worn out and broke…was it worth it?

Of course it was, and next year we do it all again because that is Christmas.

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to go on holiday at Christmas time, have someone else do all the cooking and entertaining. It’s not really me though because secretly I strive on the stress. It’s not Christmas if I haven’t gained a few extra grey hairs, it’s not Christmas if it’s not at home with my family around me, doing what I can to make them happy, even if I don’t get it right all the time.

So believe it or not, especially after reading this, I do love Christmas. I love the build up before hand, the manic Christmas shopping, the ads on tv, the Christmas films, old and new. I love making my Christmas cake weeks before and feeding it with brandy every week, then covering it with marzipan and icing and decorating it even though I’m the only member of my family that really likes eating it. I love turkey and brussells sprouts, Clementines and figs, Egg Nog and Baileys. I love Christmas trees and fairy lights, Christmas fayres and reindeers. There is nothing more magic than waking up on Christmas morning to the excitement of children when they see that Santa has been.

I love church at Christmas time, singing carols, kristingle, seeing the children take part in the Nativity play.

I don’t plan Christmas down to the last detail any more. That doesn’t mean that I don’t plan it all, I just keep a more realistic view on it all. Things can and probably will go wrong but there is still a lot to fit in so a few lists are necessary, after all I wouldn’t want to forget that special present that one of my littlies has been asking for since September!

So I write lists for present, food shopping, Christmas cards, decorations I might need after last years fell apart (must remember new lights for the tree this year, mine died on boxing day and wouldn’t come back to life)

I write a menu for Christmas day to make sure I don’t miss out on any of all that lovely food, most of which is total indulgence and completely unnecessary, but if you can’t pig out at Christmas when can you?

I decide whether or not I’m going to entertain, and if I am I send out invites nice and early because people tend to get booked up quickly over the holiday season.

Most of all, my plan is to enjoy myself, and if the workload gets too much then I’m going to delegate or say that’s enough. A tired overworked mummy is no use to anyone.

Do you plan Christmas to the last detail or go with the flow?