COVID Diaries Day 92 – Crazy

It’s only just writing this that in my last post I had Day 84 and an image saying Day 82. I think it may have taken me longer to write than expected, or maybe this whole business has me going a little crazy.

I go for option two.

I want to be honest but I’m torn. I was brought up with the saying ‘don’t air your dirty laundry in public’ and in the few times that I have it’s not gone well. Best keep it inside, lock it away, internalise it. Send yourself crazy.

The World Has Gone Crazy.

It started with the Black Lives Matter movement. And I can honestly put my hands up and say I really don’t know enough of what has happened over the years. Yes, I know they were slaves and that we abolished slavery. I know they have suffered prejudice and persecution ever since. But, on the whole, the black people I have known have been either just like me, or so far different that I’ve not had much to do with them. Just like with white people. To me, colour of skin has never been an issue. But being non racist isn’t the same as being anti-racist. I’ve never been one for protests but if they are peaceful then they are often the only way of getting a message across. It’s difficult to keep a protest peaceful though.

Then there was the J.K. Rowling thing and the whole TERF situation. I had no idea what a TERF was! Again, I have no problem with people being gay, bi, trans, whatever. It’s a very personal thing and people have to follow their hearts. I also knew that these people are persecuted for being who they were which is totally wrong. But again, I had no idea just how extreme it was.

Sometimes I wonder how I got this far and became so ignorant. But if it hasn’t affected my life directly I haven’t taken the time to find out more and for that I am sorry.

Then just to top it off we have the far right coming out to stop the BLM movement from damaging any more statues of figures that stand for so much more than I’d ever realised before. Again, I’m all for the preservation of history and we need to learn from our mistakes. But, if a person is bad they shouldn’t be venerated to a position they are undeserving, in places where they can cause offence. Put them in a museum and teach our children better. The far right attacking the police was way out of order though. What on earth was that about? EDIT: I’ve just re-read this paragraph one week later and realised that, again, I have been duped by the media into labelling. A lot of those who came out to protect the statues where not ‘far right’ and I really shouldn’t have used that comment to describe them. I don’t even know if it was the ‘far right’ that attacked the police. You can’t believe everything you see and hear, it could have been a mob of thugs who had absolutely nothing to do with protecting the statues or protesting, just saw an opportunity to attack those in authority. I decided against changing the paragraph though, because in all this madness, it’s so easy to get things wrong, but it’s more important to address it when you do. And just in case you were thinking, I did work out this mistake myself.

The rest of the world seems to be just as crazy. I have always said that it won’t be a virus, natural disaster or even war that wipes out the human race. It will be the human race itself, and we seem to be doing a good job of proving me right on that.

I have so much that I don’t understand, but I feel my brain will explode with all I need to learn.

The Dirty Laundry

I’m not talking about my new washing machine, which I still love, but heck, isn’t it typical. I get a new washing machine, new washing line and new garden furniture and it rains all week! Crazy British weather.

But no, it’s more personal than that. I don’t want to go into detail, but let’s go back to the beginning, Day 92. That’s over 3 months since I left this house, I’ve gone no further than the back garden and neither have the kids, even the grown up ones.

But someone has let us down. Someone has been putting our lives in danger after all our good work. If feels like we have stayed home for nothing, not if someone is breaking the rules. We have three vulnerable family members, including me, what if the virus gets in, what chance will have of fighting it? But, it’s worse. It’s not just the virus that we’ve been put in danger with. What about our house being left open and unprotected while we are sleeping or in the least, shut in our bedrooms. In an area where only a couple of weeks ago a family was robbed and the mother and daughter beaten while the Dad was stabbed. Less than a mile away. I’ve even been making my daughter, Boo, who gets the door for me, to check the peep hole before opening up. But we have been lying asleep in bed with the door unlocked and security alarm disabled.

And the icing on the cake. An unforgivable, blatant lie. A lie caused me so much worry and pain. A hurtful, hateful lie. I’m used to lies, I’ve been lied to all my life, I know a lie from the moment it leaves the lips I’m so used to it. I don’t like lies, I hate them. But some you have to let pass. And some cut you in your soul.

Dirty washing, I have a line full. It would probably stretch to the South of France and land on the doorstep of my ex. Who I’ve also fallen out with for the first time in 20 years. I’m not even going there, lest to say I even had some really bad flashbacks for days.

Pain

Can I just talk about pain. When you have a neurological condition like mine, mental pain can exacerbate the physical pain. Currently, the physical pain is becoming unbearable. I have to keep pushing on. I have children. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here anymore. I’d have given up an age ago.

Today I see someone on one of my support groups talking about their IVIG and their doctor is talking about trying Rituximab. They were asking if it would work. The answers went along the lines of ‘Rituximab gave me back my life,’ ‘I get Rituximab and IVIG and I can walk again’ ‘It made so much difference to me’ – You get the idea.

My Consultant. ‘IVIG is better than Rituximab, Rituximab won’t help you. As the IVIG hasn’t work then there is no more we can do for you.’

I’m now 7 months without treatment.

Who’s lying now? Or maybe I am just going crazy!