Last night while I lay awake in bed I was scared to go to sleep. Scared in case something went wrong, scared in case I didn’t wake up again. I’ve never been scared of dying but I do want to stick around long enough for my kids to grow up.
I can’t even explain why I was so scared. Maybe it was because Boo has a really bad dose of Chicken Pox. She’s really poorly, bless her, but I know she will recover and she’ll get lots of TLC while she’s ill. If she passes it to me I could get shingles. I have an auto-immune condition and I’d find it hard to fight. I’m not keeping away from my little girl while she’s poorly though.
Maybe it was because I found some blood spots while getting ready for bed. Those horrible red spots that don’t disappear when you press a glass to them, the ones you look out for with dread when your child is poorly with a temperature and bad headache. I’ve just received plasma from other people’s blood, one of the side affects can be blood poisoning, or Septicaemia. For people like me it’s a high death rate if I get it.
Maybe it was because I’m waiting for some genetic blood test for Star, to find out exactly what’s wrong with her. I read the letter that went with the testing and found out what they were looking for. I googled it and I didn’t like what I found. I’m now praying that it comes back negative but I have such a long wait.
Maybe it was because my husband is ill with flue like symptoms and a rash, does he have shingles?
Maybe it was because I made a mistake with my finances and I’ve found myself short of what I need until next payday in two weeks.
Maybe it was the worry I have about my older kids, although I can’t talk about them here to protect their privacy, but I still worry about them.
Maybe it was because I realised that my treatment that I’d go so excited about hasn’t worked.
I wanted it to work so bad. I wanted to be free from pain, I wanted to be able to walk again. My dreams are dashed. I was okay about it at first, I thought that maybe the second round would be better, but I was told that unless I had significant improvements then there would be no more.
When I got up this morning (I did manage to get some sleep in the end) I though I could face the world and get on with it. There were no more blood spots, Boo is still poorly but I’m looking after her, hubby is still poorly but his rash doesn’t look like chicken pox. I’m still a cripple and dealing with constant pain but what’s new! I’m still broke but just to add to that, Hubby has had his bank account hacked and he’s broke too.
Doom and Gloom!
Keep on Rolling, Keep on keeping on. It’s not the end of the World just yet. (We have to wait for Trump to press that red button yet!)