The New Year is a difficult time for me, I think my last post shows that. Not only is it the anniversary of my Transverse Myelitis attack that has changed my life, but it’s also the anniversary of my Mum’s birthday after she passed away on Christmas Day eight years ago. Then today is the 8th anniversary of my brother’s suicide. Also, if that’s not enough, last year, just before my attack my Father-in-law passed away while I was taking him to hospital for a check up. I still have nightmares about that day.
Then there is the nightmare that happened sixteen years ago on New Years Day. The thing I can’t talk about, the thing that affects every member of our family almost every single day, even now. One person with a cruel and unnatural mind, crashing in on another’s vulnerable mind and causing so, so much damage.
So, it’s no wonder that this is such a difficult time of year for me. I find it all so difficult to share too, which doesn’t make things easier. Maybe, it’s time I tried.
I’m facing my demons head on, the things that break me, the things that make me fall, that bring that big black dog to my door.
How, I’m not sure yet, but for far too long I’ve just kept on going, kept on being positive, trying to progress and really not getting anywhere at all.
Life can be cruel and for me I feel it started when I was eight years old and has just kept on being cruel. So many awful memories, so many sad times, so much grief and pain, so much betrayal.
I look for the positives, I keep my glass half full, I count my blessings, but the darkness keeps returning. Now I know what I have to do to, I’m just not sure how I’m going to do it.
Positive thoughts alone will only help to turn your life around, to complete the turn around you have to face your demons first.
I keep thinking ‘why me?,’ Am I such a horrible person that I attract all these bad things. What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Could I have done something better, could I have been a better person?
I blame myself, then the demons rush in, there is nothing like a little self doubt to get them rushing by and pulling up a chair to make themselves comfortable in your mind. In my mind. I am the demon, I am the one that causes all the bad things. It’s all my fault.
I know, deep deep down that none of that is true.
My life has been so good at times and I’ve been lucky to have wonderful friends and family. People who I trust and love. I have been blessed with five children. Three of them later in life when I thought my childbearing days where done.
I will keep on feeling positive and counting my blessings and pushing those demons out the back door. I will keep on smiling and making jokes (that no-one ever gets) and playing with my kids filling their lives with laughter and smiles.
I will also face those demons and the darkness. I will come to terms with them and this time the door will get locked firmly and they won’t come back.
I face my demons and embrace my fate.