One Year Later

It’s seems strange having an anniversary on New Year’s Day, at least it’s not one that’s easily forgotten, not that I would ever forget.

A year ago today I woke up with pins and needles. I was trying all I could think of to get rid of them, I even tried asking Google and my friends on Facebook. I took a nice relaxing bath thinking it might help, but when I got out I felt worse because the pins and needles had spread. I went to Accident and Emergency at the hospital and sat and waited with all the revellers that had been hurt in the previous nights celebrations of the New Year.

The next few hours were a blur as I became paralysed and was rushed for an MRI. I discovered that I really don’t like MRIs and they had to take me out to try again later under sedation. I was admitted to a hospital bed and there I stayed for two weeks. I was diagnosed on my second day with Transverse Myelitis and they continued with blood tests and a lumber puncture to try and find out why I had it. They had no answers.

Slowly I regained the use of my right arm and then my left. It was a little longer before I could stand again, then I had to learn how to walk like a toddler, one wobbly foot in front of the other.

Research and talking to other sufferers made me realise that I could recover within six months, but if I hadn’t then I would likely to suffer some sort of disability for the rest of my life. If I did recover then I could still suffer symptoms on and off for the rest of my life. There is no cure. Everyone who has it is different. It affects the spine and depending on which part of your spine is affected it affects different parts of your body. The damage is irreparable, so far, but the effects seem different for everyone.

My damage was at C3 and T10, this means my arms are affected and then I have symptoms from the midriff down to my toes.  I have areas of complete numbness, areas of constant pain and pins and needles.

The pins and needles I had on New Years Day last year have never left me. I’ve been told they might never leave me so I may as well get used to them. I hate them but I try not to let them defeat me, they are part of me now. I don’t really know if they are not as severe or if I’ve just got used to them.

Last year I tried to get on with life, I tried to assist my recovery, I refused to believe that I wouldn’t get any better. I had HOPE.

I want to share everything but I can’t, this goes much deeper than dealing with my illness, but my illness is ruining my life.

2016 was a crap year, and not just for me. So many horrible things going on in the world.
2017 brings a new hope, a fresh start. But does it? Can anyone honestly believe that any of this mess is going to get any better?

2017 for me is a new year of dealing with this illness and my family issues. A year has passed and my chances of recovery are slipping away. Maybe I will show some improvement, maybe I won’t but the hope and positivity I had last year has gone.

Or, maybe my family are right and I have become self consumed with my pain and misery. I should see someone, I should get help, I’m not right in the head.

Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this.
Maybe no-one will read anyway.

RachelSwirl

8 Comments

  1. January 1, 2017 / 6:07 pm

    Sending you the biggest of hugs. You have dealt with so much over the last year!
    It might be good to get some counselling…To be able to talk things over might help clear your head.
    Thinking of you! I really hope 2017 is your year and things improve x

  2. brokenteepee
    January 2, 2017 / 7:46 pm

    I don't know about your disease but I'm going to google it after I type this. I can tell you that getting help will help. Talk to a psychologist. There is no shame in it. There is much to be gained.
    I can't say as to the progression of your condition again, due to my ignorance, but I have had a headache since 1997 from an aneurysm in my brain. It started after the surgery.
    I didn't want to accept that my life had changed either. I was only 37. Talking to the psychologist helped a lot. I am very sorry for the hell of your life but you can manage to make things manageable. Pain sucks. It really does. I wish you a better 2017

  3. angiemwebster77
    January 4, 2017 / 1:21 pm

    Anne I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, please please talk to your doctor and explore all the options available that can help you deal with how you are feeling. Not only the shock of the diagnosis and the constant pain but on top of that family problems too it's not surprising you are feeling like this. I really hope that 2017 is a much better year for you, don't give up hope x

  4. flipflopglobetrotters
    January 4, 2017 / 8:50 pm

    What a horrible year you've had, Anne! Writing it down and sharing it with the world is a big step. I really hope you'll manage to find some of your hope and positivity back in 2017!

  5. mandycharltonphotography
    January 5, 2017 / 7:36 pm

    Huge Hugs and keep fighting, I hope that 2017 will be your year, each day brings new hope, just try to remember that.

  6. RachelSwirl
    January 9, 2017 / 9:59 am

    Oh my gosh you poor thing! Massive hugs, what a horrid thing to have to endure. I so hope 2017 is your year for recovery x Thanks for linking up to #TuesdayTreasures

  7. January 10, 2017 / 5:10 pm

    You're writing and you have a strong spirit and you refuse to be defeated! Go, Anne! Whatever 2017 gives you, you will definitely deal with it with strength. I just read your profile message in the sidebar and I respect you all the more. You are one great lady! Cheers to an even stronger YOU! #PostsFromTheHeart

  8. differentiationiseasy
    January 15, 2017 / 10:35 am

    Sending you so much love. What an incredibly brave post to write. I can't even imagine how difficult this year must have been for you, or what it must be like to live wondering how much recovery you will make. I do believe though (as the mum of two children who both have their own difficulties) that there is always hope, always something new to try. I believe in believing, in hoping for the best and enjoying the moments that you can. None of us know what the future will hold, but I am sure that your story is inspiring others who are going through what you are and giving them that hope, and stopping them feeling so alone. Thank you so much for linking this incredibly personal post up to #PostsFromTheHeart I am honoured to have read it.

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