Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all my readers!

I know I’m a little late but we had an awful Christmas and New Year’s Eve, so last night we had our traditional munchies, film and family time and it was much more relaxed and finally we can celebrate the New Year.

Although it was a really tough week I’m happy to report that the kids had a great time. Their little face on Christmas day where all I needed to make Christmas special. There is nothing like that feeling and I will miss it when my young ones grow up.

So, with Christmas over it’s time to start thinking of the New Year and what it will bring. Yesterday marked my second anniversary of being ill. Next week is the one year anniversary of my actual diagnosis, Stiff Person Syndrome with Progressive Encephamyelitis with Rigidity and Myoclonus. 

Next week I go into hospital for the third round of IVIG (Intravenous Immunoglobulin.) The last time it left me with the most horrid migraines that I thought I was dying. Seriously, I’ve been a migraine sufferer for over 30 years and I’d never experienced anything like it. It was also a hemiplegic migraine which meant I also suffered paralysis and my poor hubby thought I was having a stroke and took me straight to A&E.  Next week I am going to be more prepared, plenty of water (at least 3 ltrs a day) and regular pain relief. I am staying positive. The first time I had IVIG I thought it was going to be my miracle treatment and when it didn’t work I plunged into depression. The second time, after the awful migraines had stopped, I did see some improvement. It wasn’t the miracle I seek, but a little relief from some of my symptoms was well received. Unfortunately they didn’t last. I can see myself getting worse all the time and this scares me so much. The life expectancy for someone with my condition is 3 years and I am now into my third year! The good news is that the condition is incredibly rare so it’s difficult to go by the original life expectancy because most of the deaths were in the early days before they had worked out any kind of treatment. Also, most of them had other conditions as well, cancer, diabetes and epilepsy. I don’t have any underlying condition that is life threatening.

Next week I am hoping for less side effects and more positive results, those who have IVIG regularly tell me that it works better each time (but it also stops working after time.) I have to stay positive!

I’ll be honest with you, my positivity has not been around for the past week or so. I wanted to take a break from my blog and social media because I felt that being negative was not the impression I like to give. I like to show my positivity, I’m faced with so much trauma every day but I find sharing positive blog posts and messages helps to keep me focused. However, when you are feeling low and close to wishing this life would end right now, it’s so hard to express exactly how you feel without it looking like you are seeking sympathy, or even worse, trying to make others feel bad.

Sometimes, though, you have to be honest, and honestly I’ve been feeling CRAP. Everyone around me, apart from my little ones, has made me feel sad and low. My illness has been awful, I have felt so so ill, and all the time all I’ve wanted to do is enjoy the holiday and feel the Christmas spirit. And my family has just made me feel worse. I’ve put up with so much sh*t in the past week, too much. If it wasn’t for my little ones I think I would have just given up on everything.

But, my little ones have been my joy in the madness. They have been so happy and carefree. I may have been frustrated with them a couple of times but it was nothing that I’m not used to. Also, my little Star became a young lady over the holiday. She’s really growing up now. I know she is behind in maturity, but some things you can’t delay, and a 5ft 5 inches you cannot think of her as a little child anymore.

So, today is a new day and despite the fact that my arm has gone into an incredibly painful spasm that has now lasted more than 12 hours, I am going to keep plodding on and dig deep because my positivity is in there somewhere. I cannot allow myself to go into this year feeling so low.

I have much to look forward to this year. I am staying hopeful that next weeks treatment will be a good one. Then in April I am going on a fabulous Blogger Retreat which I’m really looking forward too. In August we are having our first 7 day holiday in many years (We usually just have a short 4 day break) the kids are going to be so excited. There are places I want to go, things I want to see, memories I so want to create. If this is going to be my last year it’s going to be great! But of course, it’s not going to be my last year, I’m not ready for this stupid condition to beat me yet. I’m ready for a fight!

It doesn’t matter how many times I fall, I will always pick myself up and carry on. When I did the Activation Game  I exercised being the best possible version of me for a day. It’s always a great thing to strive for, being a better version of yourself, and something that I often try to practice.

How about you?

Happy New Year