|photo courtesy of Les Anderson|
I wrote a blog post and my daughter, Boo, leaned over my shoulder and I was horrified. I told her to go away and not to read what I was writing over my shoulder, I said she was rude.
I made her cry.
I comforted her and then read back what I’d written. I’d poured out my deepest feelings and they were horrible. No wonder I didn’t want her to see.
Have you ever sat at a keyboard and just written everything down, all your feelings, all that’s wrong with life?
It’s not a bad thing to do, it does help to get those feelings out. But sometimes it’s just not right to share them and my reaction to Boo made me realise that. So I apologised to Boo, gave her a big hug and all was right with her. If only life was that easy to fix!
Then I decided to take a positive turn and starting looking up miracles. Oh yes, that’s what I need. forget winning the lottery, I need a miracle. I need to get well so I can fix everything else. Sometimes I think that I got sick because I spent so long trying to fix things, sometimes I think I burnt myself out. Stress and stress and more stress trying to be here and there and solving everyone’s problems, carrying everyone’s burdens. Then to see a family member drop down in front of me and never get up again. Maybe that was just too much. Maybe that pushed me over the edge and my body decided to start attacking itself?
But, if I had a miracle, a cure for myself, then that would prove that I could do anything wouldn’t it? All with the hindsight that looking after myself is most important.
So, as I said, I started looking up miracles and I came across Jordan Bach. A little research made me think he was slightly bonkers, you know, the sort of person that oozes so much positivity that they must be a complete depressive zombie in their own world. (oh, hang on, no, that’s me.) No, Jordan Bach does have some great resources if you are feeling down.
Here is what Jordan Bach says about Miracles.
There are 2 important steps to manifest what you want:
1) Create a channel through which the miracle can flow. You can’t have the miracle just by wishing for it. You have to stretch yourself: send out the resumé, make the phone calls, and put up the website.
2) Prepare to receive that which you want. Align your energy with abundance, not lack. Affirm, “This or something better is on its way to me.” The perfect mental vibration to hold is gratitude for what you already have and excitement for what is to come.
So, my miracle is a little more than something I can just wish for or plan for, I definitely can’t stretch myself (ok, that’s a personal joke, I have stiff person syndrome, my muscles are stiff and stretching is something I cannot physically do!) I can prepare myself though. Instead of thinking this treatment didn’t work last time and it’s not going to work again, I can think, this treatment didn’t work last time but that doesn’t mean it wont work this time. Just a tiny little difference in the way of thinking can create the channel for a better outcome.
I know this. I have a degree in psychology. I know how positive thinking is real and can have very real affects. Start the day on a positive note and you are more able to deal with whatever the day throws at you. I have practised this for so long.
I have young children, what could be a more stressful start to the day when you have to get them up and ready for school on time. Even when completely planned, clothes ready, bags ready, even breakfast bowls set up, you can’t account for the odd tantrum or refusal to get dressed.
If you react with anger then the kids will go to school miserable and you will feel guilty.
If you react calmly and positively, count every blessing (she put her socks on all by herself today) and get on with the stressful times (cuddle the tantrum thrower and tell them everything will be okay) then everyone’s day will be more positive and happy.
It’s simple, yet sometimes so difficult.
Today, I am pushing my problems to the back of my mind. I am going to the hospital feeling positive. I’m going to receive my infusion with gratitude. I know it costs the NHS around £450 per infusion and I will be having five of them, that’s just the cost of the infusion, never mind how much it costs the hospital to treat me. It’s mind blowing and I’m so utterly grateful for the NHS.
Each day I will expect my miracle and at the end I won’t get depressed like before. If my miracle doesn’t arrive then I will look for it elsewhere. It has to come eventually.
Last week I began this post and just couldn’t finish it. Things were not going well and being positive was far from my mind.
We had a pretty awful week including arguments, emergency hospital visits and many tears. The stress levels were through the roof, which is a big achievement in our three story house!
Now things have settled a little and we have a plan to prevent (hopefully) future breakdowns like this and I can look back and reflect. The bad things will get better, I’m sure, so I’m going to keep working on them and now look at the good things about last week.
- The kids went back to school completely stress free and they all had a fabulous week
- I focused on getting ready for my consultant appointment (Tomorrow) and I know exactly what I’m going to tell him and what treatment I expect. There is a choice of treatments so I’m feeling positive.
- I had a gorgeous bouquet of flowers which, although they were for a review, they have really cheered me up with their lovely colours and beautiful fragrance
- On a day when I felt I was hitting rock bottom, I let my friends know and they sent me loads of love and support.
- I’ve been out twice, once with hubby and the other time with hubby and the kids. It always makes me feel better to get out of the house. ( I could say three times, but I’m focusing on the good things so the hospital visit doesn’t count.)
- I have my holiday voucher so I’m going to book next years summer holiday. I’ve already decided where we are going (South Devon) and we are going for a full week instead of a mid week break, and we are going in the Summer holiday instead of Whitson. (Although we do tend to have really nice weather at Whitson which is never guaranteed in summer.)
What do you do when life throws you lemons?
- Crochet. I like to make small things so I get my achievement sooner. I love amigurumi which is a Japanese term for small stuffed creatures.
- Colouring. I have a plethora of colouring books which meet my every need, I also have many pens and pencils but I do like pencils best.
- Reading. I have trouble reading because it gives me headaches and I tend to fall asleep, but a good book takes me away into another world and I love that. I’ve read nearly two books this past week.
- Baking. Although I do have trouble with this now I do still love to bake and really enjoyed making bread last week.
An awful week may have happened but it’s past now and today is a new day, today I managed to finish this post!
This week my word is honesty.
I’ve chosen this for a few reasons. It’s the value I’m looking at in The Activation Game which I’m doing at the moment (I’m also giving away five copies of the Activation Game, if you’d like to know more please click through.) Of course this means it’s something at the front of my mind right now while I’m exploring the honesty around me as well as my own honesty.
I also read an interesting blog post the other day on the back of the Noel Edmunds controversy. I wish I had the link to share but unfortunately I didn’t save it and now I can’t find it, typical! Anyway, just in case you are not familiar with the story, in brief, Noel Edmunds blamed Cancer on negativity. If you want to know any more, look it up. I think Noel made a big mistake with his comments, but I do believe that negativity doesn’t help anyone, let alone anyone with a serious illness. The post (that I lost) also commented that it’s not healthy to be positive all of the time.
So where is this taking me on my theme of honesty?
Well, I’m a positive person, I always have been. I’m most definitely a half full cup type of person. Even my childhood is viewed with rose tint glasses. Of course it must have been brilliant with my Dad dying on his way to work when I was just 8 years old, and then my step-dad dying in front of my eyes at 13 yrs old. But I’ve never a bad word to say about it all. I was happy (or deluded.)
I didn’t hate school either, I tried to get out of going whenever possible, never made many friends, was most definitely not a popular girl, but I worked hard and got some fairly reasonable exam results.
My first marriage was ok as well, there were good times, he cheated on me occasionally. I’m still friends with my ex husband.
The years I spent as a single parent I describe as one of the best times of my life. Oh yes, you can’t beat the life of a full-time working mum, leaving your kids in the care of those you thought you could trust during the school holiday while you went to work to pay the bills.
Do you see where I’m heading yet?
It’s all about your attitude to life and how you perceive things. We live in an age where oversharing is the natural thing to do. But how much of this sharing of our lives is truly honest?
Now, I will be honest with you.
I DON’T share everything?
Like I said, I’m a positive person, looking at life through a rainbow of dancing unicorns. It’s not that I don’t want to be honest and share everything, but really, is that what you want to hear?
More importantly, is that what I want you to hear?
My answer, honestly, is no. I’ll say it again, I am a positive person and my positivity stems from how I portray myself to others. Ask my partner or my kids, I often don’t tell them how I’m really feeling because then I wouldn’t feel so positive.
My only concern right now is that people see me as some wonderful, amazing person, who tosses aside any struggles that come my way and makes everything seem hunky dory. (I love that phrase!)
If I’m honest, and honesty is what I’m trying to portray here, I’m not anything special. I have a lot going on, some good, some bad and my way of dealing with everything is to stay positive. If I let that drop, then well, I drop. And I do sometimes, but that’s when I stop sharing, so you probably will never know.
I love reading blogs, there are many amazing blogs to be read. My favourite ones are the ones where the authors are honest and record all their lows alongside their highs. They are the amazing ones, they are the strong ones. They are the ones I know are just as positive as me, but have found a way of allowing themselves to express their sadness and grief just as eloquently. And honestly.
I am a positive person (And I believe that saying that over and over makes you feel positive too!)
I am also a honest person.
I am just not as good at sharing my honesty as I am at sharing my positivity.
I hope you will forgive me and continue to read me.